There were only two piggies!

Prepare to have your mind freaked – but not in the creepy Criss Angel way.  So, Ethan and I were discussing nursery rhymes the other week and seeing which ones we could remember in their entirety.  Since we’ll have a new baby in a few months, we figured we’d better brush up.  Somehow we got onto the subject of “This Little Piggy”, which I’m sure you all know as the rather odd nursery rhyme that includes playing with children’s toes.  We recited the rhyme:

This little piggy went to market;
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy went… 
“Wee wee wee” all the way home…

Now, in all the years that I’ve heard this rhyme, I made the natural assumption that each toe was a different piggy and that they all lived together in a little piggy hut somewhere.  Perhaps they were relatives of the Three Little Pigs, I don’t know.  I never gave it that much thought.  Clearly I never gave it though, because when I expressed this idea to Ethan he replied with words that blew my mind!  Ready for it?  “There were only two piggies!”  That’s right, Ethan quickly corrected me and explained the true meaning of this poem:

This little piggy went to market, (first piggy)
This little piggy stayed at home, (second piggy)
This little piggy had roast beef, (first piggy)
This little piggy had none. (second piggy)
And this little piggy went… (first piggy)
“Wee wee wee” all the way home…

He explained to me that the first piggy got hungry and went to the market…where he got the roast beef.  When he was finished eating, he joyfully returned home.  The second, less industrious piggy, decided to stay home and therefore had nothing to eat.  End of story.  That’s it…two piggies!  I don’t know why this never occurred to me before.  It seems so obvious to me now that there weren’t five piggies.  I’ve learned so much from this little fable.  And I hope that this has shed some light on it for those of you who have lived with me in the dark for so many years.

What is wrong with white people?

Ethan and I moved into the “Best Address in Harlem” back in April. We were living in way the fuck out Brooklyn and decided we wanted to shorten our commute. We love the complex and the apartment….couldn’t be happier. It was startling at first, because we found something we’d never encountered before – friendly neighbors.

It was amazing. From day one, people would say hello and tell you to have a nice evening. They’d introduce themselves and ask if we were new to the building. They hold doors and elevators for each other. This is all very unusual for New York City in my opinion. Definitely nothing we ever experienced in Brooklyn. The most we ever heard from our neighbors in Brooklyn was when the asshole downstairs would come up to yell at the top of his lungs to our elderly deaf neighbor. Welcome to the neighborhood.

This past Sunday, our building had its Holiday Party in the lobby. Several of our neighbors asked if we were attending, so we decided to check it out. We arrived a bit late, and as soon as we stepped off the elevator more than one person told us that everyone was already drunk and that we had some catching up to do. My kind of party. There was a ton of food…appetizers, desserts, you name it. There was music and toasting and merriment aplenty. We met even more of our neighbors and even Kevin, one of the building doormen, brought his adorable daughter and joined in the fun. People spoke to us about joining the Concerned Tenants Committee and voting for officers. There was a student there filming her documentary about gun violence and how strong community ties reduced such crime. People of all ages were doing the electric slide (no shit) and no glass was left unfilled. Oh, did I mention that we were the only white people there?

There are other white people in our building. In fact, several of them entered through the lobby while the party was going on, and continued up to their apartments without saying as much as hello. These are the same people that never say hello to anyone and who never press the elevator button for you, no matter how full your hands are. These are the people who moved to Harlem because the apartments are half the price you would find in other Manhattan neighborhoods, but who still feel uncomfortable walking down their own street. So, I implore you, what is wrong with white people? I sure as hell haven’t been able to figure it out.

A Quick Guide to Appropriate Applause

Having been to several theatrical events recently, I‘ve noticed that people seem confused about when they are supposed to applaud at a live event. When I have to pay $100 per ticket to be entertained, I don’t feel that I should have to put forth anything more than my money. So, I get annoyed when I am expected to applaud them for a job well done…let alone more than once. Below is a short guide regarding when you should and should not applaud during live theatre:

You SHOULD applaud

• At the end of a show when the performer/performers step on stage to take their bows.
• When someone finishes a standout solo performance (this should be limited to musical theatre and should be a brief round of applause.)
• After an encore.
• If a lighted sign tells you to applaud (which would be weird, but not unheard of, at an event that’s not being taped.)

You SHOULD NOT applaud

• When someone (no matter how famous) makes an entrance for the first time, before they even get a word out.
• After every scene/song.
• When something exceptionally funny is said or performed (laughing is an appropriate show of appreciation).
• At the end of an act (they’ll be right back after the intermission…the performance isn’t over yet!)
• When a greedy performer makes a second curtain call (or third, etc.) without performing an encore.
• At ANY non-live event (i.e. at the movies – DO NOT applaud at the beginning, middle or end of a movie – NO one is there to appreciate it and you just look stupid to the people around you!)

No one stands behind my desk and claps for me when I do something well. I don’t believe I should be expected to applaud performers for doing their jobs well. That’s what their paid for.

I would go into the topic of standing ovations, except that I think they are so rarely deserved it’s not worth mentioning, so let’s just go ahead and say don’t stand until you’re ready to leave the theatre.

Goodbye Kitty

I would not call myself a Hello Kitty “freak”, but I am a fan.  My apartment isn’t full of Hello Kitty stuff, but I do have a few items.  I will admit that one simple pleasure I always enjoyed was browsing the Sanrio store on 42nd Street.  It seemed that they always had new merchandise.  Even if I didn’t buy anything, it was fun to see what they had.  I take comfort in knowing that if I so chose, I could wake up to my Hello Kitty alarm clock, enjoy a breakfast of Hello Kitty toast and Hello Kitty waffles while watching the morning news on my pink Hello Kitty television.  I wouldn’t, of course, but I could.  Generally, I might purchase something every so often…a pair of gloves, a watch or maybe a wallet.  Nothing too extravagant.  I was always amazed at some of the merchandise they had in the front of the store.  It was all imported from Japan (mostly) and they were very high ticket items.  Hundreds of dollars for a designer purse or a set of Hello Kitty golf clubs. I always wondered who bought that stuff.  

Recently, the store closed for renovations.  I was very excited.  I anxiously checked back several times over the last month or so and every time was met with the familiar oversized bow in the window with the message that they would reopen soon.  This evening, my husband and I went to the movies.  I insisted that we stop by the Sanrio store just to see if there were any developments.  Much to my surprise, the store was reopened.  Yay!  When I first entered, I could tell that the store had been remodeled, but the major changes didn’t jump out right away.  I needed a new pair of gloves, so I went up and down the aisles searching for a pair that might do the trick.  Sadly, I discovered something that made my heart sink.  There wasn’t a single pair of gloves under $75 in the entire store. Or anything under $75 for that matter.  There were shoes for $350 in three different colors.  Cashmere scarves, designer bags…wait, where was the Hello Kitty toaster?  Or the guitar even??  I looked around and noticed a large glittery sign in the back that said “Sanrio Luxe”.  WTF?  Where was Kitty?  I don’t think she would stand for this.  She likes to dress up now and then, but at the end of the day, she’s a simple cat.  She doesn’t need all this fancy crap.  This isn’t 5th Avenue, it’s 42nd Street!  I was devastated.  

Clearly, I am no longer the clientele that they seek to purchase Hello Kitty wares.  I left without buying anything (since I couldn’t afford anything).  I hope that Kitty and I can still be friends.  And I hope that she hasn’t forgotten her other friends, as they were very obviously absent from all merchandise in the store.  It was a sad day for me.  I used to go into the Sanrio store every time I passed it.  Now, I fear I will never go back.  Goodbye, Kitty.  You will be missed.

My Live Blog of the Scream Awards

It’s the perfect Fall evening.  There’s a chill in the air and there are leaves on the ground.  I arrived home just in time to turn on the TV and catch the opening to the 2008 Scream Awards.  Carmina Burana…nice!  So, here we go…

9:02ish

Kate Beckinsale announces the recipient of the Scream Legend Award and it is none other than Sir Anthony Hopkins.  Good choice.  He graciously accepts the award but not without noting that the crowd in the audience are “all very weird.”  I suppose I would agree.  It was nice of him to appear though.

Next up, the award for Best Fantasy Movie…and the nominees are:

Hancock (didn’t see it)

The Dark Knight (overrated)

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army (saw it, liked it)

Wanted (seriously?)

Ok, do I even need to mention that these are comic book movies and NOT fantasy movies?  Were there really no fantasy movies this past year?  Ok, Ethan has just informed me that Hellboy 2 IS a fantasy movie because there are elves in it.  Ok, I concede.  Now, the winner…

Hellboy 2- YAY!  The only fantasy movie nominated and it happens to have been produced my my favorite ex-client, Lloyd Levin. 

9:11 First commercial break.

9:16 We’re back.

There are definitely some odd ones in the audience.  I’m kind of jealous that I wasn’t there. 

9:17

Someone shouts out “You’re the man, Stan.” to Stan Lee and Stan Lee agrees with him.

Next award is Best Comic Book.  I’m not going to name all the nominees because I don’t read comic books and this award doesn’t mean anything to me.  I don’t even remember which one I blindly voted for.  Y: The Last Man wins.  OK.  Whoa, a woman is accepting the award with some dude.  And the dude is only half as geeky.  She scares me a little.  Moving on…

9:19

Someone is finally explaining to me what the fuck “Twilight” is.  Apparently, it is based on a book.  I guess I’m not 15 or totally goth, which may explain why I am not familiar with it.  Ethan wonders why Dylan from 90210 is presenting the world premiere of this.  What does he have to do with it?  Ethan thinks it looks like “The Lost Boys,” I think it just looks stupid.

9:21

Gary Oldman (one of my favorite actors) takes the stage.  He announces that Heath Ledger won Best Fantasy Actor and Best Villain.  Ethan thinks it’s classy that they just presented the award instead of keeping up the facade that there was any competition in these categories.  That’s Spike for you, class all the way!

9:24 Commercial break.

9:29 We’re back.

The Osbournes.  Woohoo (sarcastic).  They are here because we’ve all been here as long as Ozzy has been alive…huh?  And to celebrate the fact that we are all sick, twisted people.  OK.  They are presenting Best TV Show.  And the nominees are:

Battlestar Galactica (Ethan thinks this will win, I didn’t even know it was on TV)

Dexter (YAY! YAY! YAY!)

Hereoes (this season is better, but it shouldn’t win based on last season)

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Ummm…no).

And the winner is….DEXTER!!  FUCK YEAH!!

9:32

Rob Zombie takes the stage.  I like Rob Zombie…I don’t like everything he does, but I’ll bet he’s cool to hang with.

Ethan and I pause to discuss the overall show thus far.  We agree that over the past three years, the Scream Awards have made tremendous progress.  They’ve finally figured out what they want their image to be and how to appeal to the different fans of the mash-up of genres the show celebrates.  So, dark and sexy it is.  Fetish, creepy circus…it all integrates very nicely.  Excellent job, Spike.

9:33

Rob Zombie announces the nominees for Best Science Fiction Actress:

Some chick from the Terminator TV show

Some chick from Battlestar Galactica

Gwyneth Paltrow (Ironman)

Milla Jovavich (Resident Evil: Extinction)

And the winner is….Milla Jovavich.  Ok, I guess someone actually saw that movie.  She seems high, but claims that she is the coolest mom in town.  I probably disagree with that statement.  She is very unappealing to me.

9:36

Kerli (?) Takes the stage.  She is apparently from Estonia.  Her music seems sufficiently creepy and prefectlyin place with the Scream Awards.  I’m not gonna buy this CD or anything, but as Ethan just said, she’s not bad.  Her performance was sponsored by Taco Bell.  Yummy.

9:40 Commercial break.

9:45 We’re back.

Seann William Scott.  I love him.  He announces the nominees for Best Supporting Performance:

Michael Caine (The Dark Knight)

Doug Jones (Hellboy 2)

Shia Labeouf (Indiana Jones) – vomit

Gary Oldman (The Dark Knight) – just because I love him and he also played Dracula, he should win

And the winner is…Gary Oldman!! YAY!!

He thanks Scream (someone should tell him Scream isn’t really an entity) and the fans.

9:48

Speaking of Dracula…Winona Ryder takes the stage.  She is introducing the Scream Immortal Award to Tim Burton.  We see a montage of Burton’s creepy resume, many films featuring Johnny Depp of course.  Oh man, who didn’t love Beetlejuice??

Oh man, Tim Burton is in above the audience in a hot air balloon!  Sort of.  He looks old and desheveled, which is what I expected I guess.  Aww…he loves us.

9:54 Commercial break.

9:58 We’re back.

There are three people on the stage, none of whom I recognize.  They are announcing the nominees for Best Science Fiction Movie:

Cloverfield (awful – beyond awful)

Wall-E (very cute, but only ok)

I Am Legend (kinda scary)

Ironman (loved it)

Go Ironman.  And the winner is…Ironman!!  YAY!!

Robert Downey Jr. made an acceptance video.  Madonna’s bitch Guy Ritchie is in it.  I can’t believe he ever married her.  Now that’s a fucking nightmare!

10:03

The premiere of the completely unnecessary remake of Friday the 13th.  It will be really horrible, but I’ll go see it anyway.  Yeah, it looks bad and Ethan is not impressed either.  Oh well, that was to be expected.

10:05 Commercial break.

10:10 We’re back.

Neve Campbell is here to talk about Wes Craven.  He’s my favorite.  He’s getting the Mastermind Award.  A montage of Wes Craven films.  They’re all so good. lol  What, no clips from “Last House on the Left”??  God, Wes Craven is such a geek…as Ethan said…a college professor who makes horror movies.  I guess that’s why I love him.

10:14

Marilyn Manson has come out of seclusion.  He’s rambling about pain and madness.  He announces the nominees for Most Memorable Mutilation:

Hellboy 2 (Flesh-eating tooth fairies)

The Ruins (leg amputation) – it’s gross in the clip

Saw IV (the autopsy) – whatever, he’s already dead

Teeth (penis bitten off by vagina with teeth) – I don’t know what the fuck this is, but I hope it wins!

And the winner is…Teeth!!  YAY!!  Oh, the kid from Nip/Tuck is in this movie.  That’s cool.  I wish his co-star would stop saying vagina.  Dumb bitch.

10:18 Commercial break.

10:22 We’re back.

Dexter’s girlfriend is announcing the nominees for Best Director:

Tim Burton (Sweeney Todd) – No.

Guillermo del Toro (Hellboy 2)

Jon Favreau (Ironman)

Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight) – No again.

And the winner is…Christopher Nolan.  Blah.  He’s apparently also won Best Screenplay.  Blah.

10:27

Ron Perlman is announcing the nominees for Best Horror Actress:

Julie Benz (Dexter)

Helena Bonham Carter (Sweeney Todd) – Isn’t she just playing herself?

Jena Malone (The Ruins)

Liv Tyler (The Strangers)

I don’t care who wins.  And the winner is…Liv Tyler.  Ok, sure.

10:30 Commercial break.

10:34 We’re back.

That bitch from Nip/Tuck and some guy introduce Smashing Pumpkins.  Seriously?  Did we just travel back to 1997?  I could not be less interested in this performance.  But Billy Corgan does freak me out.  But why do they suck so bad?

10:38

Creepy Gerard Way talks about what upcoming movie the fans are most excited to see.  I said The Echo, but I think I was the only one.  It’s Watchmen…also produced by Lloyd Levin (YAY!).  I don’t know what Watchmen is…I have bought the graphic novel and swear that I will read it, I just haven’t yet.  And contrary to what the asshole cashier at Barnes and Noble snidely remarked to me, I had an interest in reading it before I saw the trailer for the movie.  Jerk.  You work at fucking Barnes and Noble.

10:42 Commercial break.

10:47 We’re back.

And so is Rosario Dawson who is apparently a fanboy’s wet dream.  I don’t get it.  She’s presenting the Ultimate Scream Award:

Cloverfield (I will eat my own hand if this wins.)

The Dark Knight (I’m not making any bets because this will probably win.)

Hellboy 2 (This won’t win.)

Ironman (This should win in my opinion.)

And the winner is…The Dark Knight.  Shocker. 

10:50

Samuel L. Jackson, apparently the baddest mother in the galaxy, takes the stage.  He’s presenting the 2008 Comic-Con Icon Award (the 4th major achievement award of the evening for those keeping track).  The winner is George Lucas.  Another montage.  I am not a fan of Star Wars nor will I ever be.  I like some of the Indiana Jones movies.  Overall, not a fan of Lucas, but I get it.  He deserves it.

10:54

Fucking Storm Troopers are lining up on stage.  It’s lame.  I won’t repeat how Ethan described the scene because it’s rude, but let’s just say he agrees.  Many green lasers…and from center stage emerges Lucas.  The crowd are all jizzingin their pants right now.  George Lucas says “The Universe is mine.”  Whatever…Ethan still thinks he’s a dick.  He is apparently the first non-comic book artist to win this award.  Give it back!  I have decided that George Lucas is a douche for no apparent reason, just because I say so.

10:57

George Lucas is still rambling on about nothing.  He wishes me a great future.  Thanks, George.  And no thank you, SLJ, I don’t want the force anywhere near me.

10:58

And the show is over.  Very slick production.  The credits are flying by so fast that I can’t even read them.  Not that anyone cares.

Good night!

Things I Hate

I haven’t written in a about a week and I don’t have a whole lot of time because I am going to a wedding in Wisconsin this weekend, so I will now provide to you a list of things/people I hate:

• Coffee
• Roger Clarke on NY1
• Injustice
• Fireworks
• “Men” (meaning guys in their teens and early twenties) who look like women
• Coldplay
• Chick Flicks (I make a few exceptions.)
• Li’l Wayne (Just in case I didn’t make that clear in my VMA post.)
• Most vegetables
• Hipsters
• Waiting for the subway
• Sushi
• People who walk up/down the escalator (Again, just in case this wasn’t clear.)
• War
• Waking up before 8am
• Exercise
• The chick who hosts the Top 20 Video Countdown on VH1 (I hate her so much, I’ve made it a point not to remember her name.)
• Dog poop
• Human poop
• Pennies
• Green apple flavored candy

This is just a partial list.

What Would Jesus Do?

If the guy wearing the W.W.J.D. bracelet on the bus last night is any indication, Jesus would:

• Not shower or bathe.
• Wear his jeans below his ass Lil Wayne style.
• Try to pick up chicks on the M11 bus headed downtown.
• Tell said chicks about all the Italians who are staying at the hostel with him.
• Be a douche.

The Sandwich Guy

Anyone who lives in New York and rides the subway has inevitably run into “The Sandwich Guy” on the train.  He always makes a grand entrance and carries a large bag with him that he explains is full of food for anyone who needs it.  He claims to work for a “charity” that does not receive any government funding, so they rely solely on the donations of others.  I had a pretty awesome encounter with one of these guys on the train the other day and I must share.

So, this particular sandwich guy took his position in the center of the train and began his speech.  He rambled on and on about how he used to live on the streets and then he found some church that helped him, so now he works with them to help other homeless people.  He’s wearing a makeshift ID badge around his neck that has a very generic name and logo on it…I think it said something like “NYC Hope”.  He explains to us how unsafe the streets are these days because “thugs” go around setting homeless people on fire and beating the crap out of them.  But thanks to his organization, now you can find them sleeping safely and soundly on park benches.  Gee, thanks for making park benches safe again…sounds like we’re really on our way to solving the problem of homelessness in NYC.  He goes on to say that one of the things they do is provide food for anyone who is hungry.  He has a large nylon bag filled with “sandwiches, water and milk” and anyone who wants the food is welcome to it.  At this point, I’m thinking “Milk??”  How long has he been carrying that unrefrigerated milk around??  He ends by walking up and down the train with a can, soliciting donations.  And he always says the same thing, “God bless the ones that give.  God bless the ones that don’t.”  I suppose that’s a nice gesture.  It certainly doesn’t encourage me to give.  I think, “God bless the ones that give and the rest of you are going to hell,” might be a better approach.  But I guess his way works.

As he’s making his rounds, something I had never seen before happened.  A woman, who looked like she was going through some bad times, asked him for a sandwich.  Now, in all the times I’ve witnessed this scam, I have never seen anyone ask for food.  So, now I’m like…yeah!  Let’s see what you have in that bag.  I have to say, he looked less than thrilled that this woman asked for a sandwich.  Seriously, WTF?  That’s his whole deal…food for anyone who wants it.  He rifles through his bag for a long while and places a sandwich and an orange in a separate plastic bag.  Then asks the woman if she wants milk or water.  Choose the water…choose the water, please choose the water.  She replies with a fervent “Milk!”  Oh my god!  She picked the milk!  So, he places the milk in the bag and hands the bag full o’ food to the woman.  And then he disappeared.  Just like that. 

The woman reaches into the bag and pulls out the sandwich.  It’s a pre-packaged egg salad sandwich that that you’d buy at a 7-11 or something.  Great…egg salad and milk that’s been sitting in a warm bag for who knows how long…bon appetite!  The sandwich is completely squashed and the woman looks at it with absolute disgust.  She throws it back into the bag and pulls out her little carton of milk.  She looks at the milk and declares, “What? They ain’t got no low-fat milk?” 

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why people don’t give to charity.  There’s just no appreciation for genrosity anymore.

Who is your favorite serial killer?

I often ask people that question if I’m trying to get a read on them.  I think your response actually says a lot about you.  I am always surprised at the number of people who either have an answer right away or who take a minute to ponder it.  These are my people.  You know who are not my people?  People who get offended by this question.  I know it’s not like asking who your favorite band is or who your favorite actor is, but honestly the answers to those questions reveal very little about you.  I may learn that you prefer blondes or that you are one of those people who like Coldplay (which also tells me that you are not my people).  But I don’t learn anything about your true nature just because you like Beyonce or Zac Efron…ok, I do learn something about you if you like Zac Efron and you’re over the age of 12, but that’s a separate issue.  After I ask people who their favorite serial killer is, I immediately ask them “Why?”  And the answer to that question is what tells me a little bit about you.  I never judge.  I’m not a big fan of John Wayne Gacy, but if you say that you are, there are no judgments from me as long as you have a reason.  Your reason can be anything – “I liked his style,” or “He seemed like the kind of guy I’d hang out with, except for the killing people part.”  The only time I get upset is when people say Charles Manson, simply because he is not a serial killer.  I will accept mass murderers as answers, but not master manipulators, which is what Manson really is.

I have several favorite serial killers, but the one I always go back to is Ted Bundy.  Damn!  That guy had skills.  He seemed totally normal on the outside, but was one of the most brutal killers.  The term “serial killer” was first used in reference to Bundy.  He claimed to have killed 30 women, but it’s believed that he killed as many as 100.  Here was this good looking guy who had a degree in psychology (the preferred major of all crazy people); he was involved in politics and friends with many police officers.  He was intelligent, charismatic and well respected.  At a certain point, the police had so much information on the suspect they were chasing that they knew exactly what kind of car he drove and that his name was Ted and they never suspected their good friend Bundy.  Crazy, right??  You have to respect that.  He escaped from police custody twice.  Now that’s impressive.  I also favor Bundy because I think he was compulsive rather than insane.  I believe that he had to kill in the same way that other compulsive people have to turn the lights on and off five times or wash their hands fifty times a day.  A kind of OCD, if you will.  I’m not justifying his actions.  But I do think that incredible accomplishments, no matter what their nature, should be recognized. 

So what does this say about me?  I choose to believe that it expresses how I hold intelligence to be the most important quality that I look for in people, and I respect those that possess it.  I like cleverness.  It could also mean that I’m a misogynist.  That may be true.  The important thing to note is that I have an answer and a reason for having that answer.  That’s why I can be friends with me.

Please feel free to post a comment about who your favorite serial killer is.  I’m always fascinated by the answers I get.

Laura’s Not So Live Blog of the VMA’s

I decided not to live blog the VMA’s mostly because I Tivo’d them and my reporting wouldn’t have actually been live anyway.  But I’m going to give you a play by play of what I was thinking as I watched:

I loved Russell Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  He was the funniest part of the movie.  He’ll make a good host for the VMA’s.  The promos he did were kinda funny.  Maybe he’ll be even funnier live.

Wow…the venue looks cheap and really small. 

Ooohh…”Disturbia”…I love that song.  Rihanna’s whole album is really great.  This looks creepy and awesome and this is gonna be a cool performance.

Oh man, Rihanna is not a dynamic live performer.  She needs that uber-modulation that they do to her voice in the studio and she’s lacking energy.  I think she took some of whatever Britney took last year. 

Why is Russell Brand obsessed with the Jonas Brothers?  What did they ever do to him?  So they’re saving themselves for Jesus, who cares?  It’s a nice change of pace from the message most people (I’m talking to you, Pussycat Dolls) are sending to our youth.

Why can I see tech people all over the place??  Aren’t they supposed to be behind the scenes making the magic happen?  I don’t want to see them.  Make them go away!  Is this intentional?

Jamie Foxx doesn’t know when to read his lines and Demi Moore (whose only connection to MTV is Ashton Kutcher as far as I can tell) doesn’t have a mic.  This does not seem intentional.

Why is this woman talking over Katy Perry’s much hyped tribute to “Like A Virgin”?  I can’t hear her…all I see is her peeling that glittery banana strap down.  Wait…they totally cut to a commercial in the middle of the chorus!!  WTF, MTV?  Hopefully, this will be the only WTF moment of the evening.

Li’l Wayne is flashing gang signs.  He’s wearing a red bandana in his right back pocket, which my husband assures me is a symbol of the Bloods.  I think Li’l Wayne is a repulsive human being for many reasons, not the least of which is his physical appearance…and the fact that everyone in the music world seems to love him.  I think I’m gonna put a hit out on Li’l Wayne.  I am, after all, a supporter of the Crips.

The award for best dancing in a video…surely that will go to Chris Brown.  Of course, I do like that Madonna/Justin Timberlake video.  THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS??  WTF??  Why do people keep shoving these untalented WHORES down my throat?  And I’m not talking about whores like I say that because I hate them…I truly believe that these “women” have sex for money.  I need them to never be heard from again.  Pretty please??  I’d rather watch Li’l Wayne do an encore.

Russell Brand is still not funny.

WTF is Twilight and who are these people?

The theme of the evening is “nothing is as it seems”?  Really…there’s a theme?  No way…this was thought out in advance?  Someone designed this?  And someone’s actually directing it?  Unreal.

A shameless plug for Rockband 2.  Ugh.

Uh oh…I think I just saw Pink’s nipple.  Let me rewind…nope.  Damn.  A near wardrobe malfunction.

Aha!  I did see it that time…it’s all silver and shiny and rectangular.  Oh wait, Ethan says that’s just tape covering her nipple.  Damn again.

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL…Li’l Wayne actually won…some award…Hip Hop maybe?  Against all those people who I assume are better than he is?  I would like to thank him for keeping his thank yous brief though.  Ok, I’m cancelling the hit.  He can live.

Rihanna again…and she’s singing that Swedish song that dude on You Tube made famous.  Weird…but kind of awesome.

She keeps holding her jacket together.  Another near wardrobe malfunction.

Who the hell is Tokio Hotel and why does their lead singer look like a lion?  She is pretty though.

YAY!  Britney won her third Moonman!  She deserves it.  Who doesn’t love Britney for one reason or another?

Kanye West’s performance is the best of the night.  Wait…doesn’t he hate MTV?  I’m glad he doesn’t hold a grudge.

In summation, the evening was a clusterfuck.  It looked cheap and there were no truly memorable moments that people will be talking about.  Russell Brand was relentless in his taunting of the Jonas Brothers and as much as I don’t think children should be allowed into the VMA’s, it was a little unfair.  When did the VMA’s become Disneyfied anyway?  The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus AND High School Musical??  Seriously??  That shit has a time and a place, certainly…and it is NOT at the VMA’s.  I do think they did a decent job of utilizing the Paramount backlot – man, they should do Halloween Horror Nights there…screw Universal…this place is way better – but, it still looked very haphazard.  The pre-show was good.  Tivo cut off the post show (I’m sure the party was AWESOME and the highlight of most people’s evening).    The VMA’s definitely need a shakeup.  For a network that rarely plays videos anymore, it’s kind of a joke to award them.  We all know that we are awarding the songs and not the videos anyway and that the whole show is a popularity contest.  But this was the 25^th anniversary and they did NOTHING to celebrate that.  No throwback to the 80′s, no mention of who won these awards 25 years ago…maybe because most of those people are selling real estate now.  I don’t know.  MTV, I know you want to believe that you’re still relevent.  You’re not.  Try harder.

I promise I will live blog the Scream Awards if anyone’s interested.  Spike knows how to put on a show!  Bring on the half naked ladies!