Raising Kids Can Be Tough

I think it’s important to teach children about the world.  That’s why when I have kids, I plan to raise them Amish.  I am not Amish, but my children will be.  That way they can’t be exposed to the sex and violence so prominent in today’s TV, movies and music.  If they ask me why I’m allowed to watch TV and they aren’t, I’ll just explain that their religion forbids it and mine doesn’t.  It may be difficult for them, but ultimately it’s for their own good.  They will be required to raise a barn before they turn 16.  But, I will buy them a horse and buggy for their 16^th birthday, because I’m generous like that. 

Because they will belong to such a restrictive religion, in order to make sure that they’re not completely sheltered from the real world, I will also encourage them to form rival gangs within our household.  My husband and I will, of course, be in the same gang.  We will have our own gang signs and initiations.  We’ll divide the household into territories and there will be consequences for trespassing.  Nothing violent…just a grounding or an extra cow to milk or something.  They need to learn the truth.  East LA won’t be as kind, should they decide to move there for their rumspringa, at which point I fully expect them to leave the Amish church.  Whether or not they join a gang on the outside is their decision.  I certainly wouldn’t encourage that behavior, trusting they will have learned that lesson already.  On top of that, should they decide to be baptized into the Amish church, it would forbid them from using automatic weapons, so that pretty much kills their chances of getting into a gang anyway.  It’s so hard to raise kids these days.  You gotta be creative.

Peace out.

High and Lowe

My husband’s dream girl is Kirsten Dunst.  Yeah, I don’t get it either.  I have forbidden him ever to date her because I think she’s stupid and I believe he should be with someone of higher intelligence.  I told him he’s allowed to date Anne Hathaway.  Since I am such an understanding wife, I expect the same courtesy in return.  So, I asked Ethan who he would allow me to date and he replied, “No one.”  I called BULLSHIT and demanded that he choose someone for me.  So he asked me who I want to date besides Jesse Bradford (duh).  I had to ponder this for a moment.  I said, I don’t know…I don’t like pretty boys (i.e. Zac Efron or any of the “dudes” on Gossip Girl).  Men should be men.  None of this metrosexual shit.  I was trying to think of who I thought had the perfect balance of hotness and brains when he interjects, “You can’t date Justin Timberlake.”  Well no crap, he’s just as dumb as Dunst.  Then all of a sudden he calls me out!  He’s all like, “Wait – you like Rob Lowe and he’s totally a pretty boy!”  I had to concede this point.  But, then he admits that even he finds Rob Lowe attractive and that he’d go gay for him.  Aha!  Which got me to thinking…that would be an AWESOME reality show! 

It would be called High and Lowe (with Rob Lowe of course) and it would consist of husbands and wives competing for the affection of Rob Lowe.  It would involve the contestants performing all kinds of ridiculous tasks at Rob’s whim.  Like, seeing who knows the most trivia about Rob’s movies or inseminating a cow or performing a drive by shooting.  And his catch phrase during the elimination at the end of each show would be “Are you high?  I’m sorry, but you can’t hang with Lowe.”  It’s kind of like that Tila Tequila show except that the contestants are all married to each other and they get to date Rob Lowe in the end instead of some retarded internet skank.  VH1, don’t steal my idea!

That is gold.

In the end, it was decided that if I had to choose between Rob Lowe in his prime or Taye Diggs in his prime, I would choose the latter.  Dude’s got a body that Lowe just can’t compete with.  But if I had to choose between Taye Diggs in his prime or Brad Pitt in Fight Club, I go with Pitt.  It doesn’t get any sweatier or manlier than Tyler Durden. 

Word.