There were only two piggies!

Prepare to have your mind freaked – but not in the creepy Criss Angel way.  So, Ethan and I were discussing nursery rhymes the other week and seeing which ones we could remember in their entirety.  Since we’ll have a new baby in a few months, we figured we’d better brush up.  Somehow we got onto the subject of “This Little Piggy”, which I’m sure you all know as the rather odd nursery rhyme that includes playing with children’s toes.  We recited the rhyme:

This little piggy went to market;
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy went… 
“Wee wee wee” all the way home…

Now, in all the years that I’ve heard this rhyme, I made the natural assumption that each toe was a different piggy and that they all lived together in a little piggy hut somewhere.  Perhaps they were relatives of the Three Little Pigs, I don’t know.  I never gave it that much thought.  Clearly I never gave it though, because when I expressed this idea to Ethan he replied with words that blew my mind!  Ready for it?  “There were only two piggies!”  That’s right, Ethan quickly corrected me and explained the true meaning of this poem:

This little piggy went to market, (first piggy)
This little piggy stayed at home, (second piggy)
This little piggy had roast beef, (first piggy)
This little piggy had none. (second piggy)
And this little piggy went… (first piggy)
“Wee wee wee” all the way home…

He explained to me that the first piggy got hungry and went to the market…where he got the roast beef.  When he was finished eating, he joyfully returned home.  The second, less industrious piggy, decided to stay home and therefore had nothing to eat.  End of story.  That’s it…two piggies!  I don’t know why this never occurred to me before.  It seems so obvious to me now that there weren’t five piggies.  I’ve learned so much from this little fable.  And I hope that this has shed some light on it for those of you who have lived with me in the dark for so many years.

What is wrong with white people?

Ethan and I moved into the “Best Address in Harlem” back in April. We were living in way the fuck out Brooklyn and decided we wanted to shorten our commute. We love the complex and the apartment….couldn’t be happier. It was startling at first, because we found something we’d never encountered before – friendly neighbors.

It was amazing. From day one, people would say hello and tell you to have a nice evening. They’d introduce themselves and ask if we were new to the building. They hold doors and elevators for each other. This is all very unusual for New York City in my opinion. Definitely nothing we ever experienced in Brooklyn. The most we ever heard from our neighbors in Brooklyn was when the asshole downstairs would come up to yell at the top of his lungs to our elderly deaf neighbor. Welcome to the neighborhood.

This past Sunday, our building had its Holiday Party in the lobby. Several of our neighbors asked if we were attending, so we decided to check it out. We arrived a bit late, and as soon as we stepped off the elevator more than one person told us that everyone was already drunk and that we had some catching up to do. My kind of party. There was a ton of food…appetizers, desserts, you name it. There was music and toasting and merriment aplenty. We met even more of our neighbors and even Kevin, one of the building doormen, brought his adorable daughter and joined in the fun. People spoke to us about joining the Concerned Tenants Committee and voting for officers. There was a student there filming her documentary about gun violence and how strong community ties reduced such crime. People of all ages were doing the electric slide (no shit) and no glass was left unfilled. Oh, did I mention that we were the only white people there?

There are other white people in our building. In fact, several of them entered through the lobby while the party was going on, and continued up to their apartments without saying as much as hello. These are the same people that never say hello to anyone and who never press the elevator button for you, no matter how full your hands are. These are the people who moved to Harlem because the apartments are half the price you would find in other Manhattan neighborhoods, but who still feel uncomfortable walking down their own street. So, I implore you, what is wrong with white people? I sure as hell haven’t been able to figure it out.

A Quick Guide to Appropriate Applause

Having been to several theatrical events recently, I‘ve noticed that people seem confused about when they are supposed to applaud at a live event. When I have to pay $100 per ticket to be entertained, I don’t feel that I should have to put forth anything more than my money. So, I get annoyed when I am expected to applaud them for a job well done…let alone more than once. Below is a short guide regarding when you should and should not applaud during live theatre:

You SHOULD applaud

• At the end of a show when the performer/performers step on stage to take their bows.
• When someone finishes a standout solo performance (this should be limited to musical theatre and should be a brief round of applause.)
• After an encore.
• If a lighted sign tells you to applaud (which would be weird, but not unheard of, at an event that’s not being taped.)

You SHOULD NOT applaud

• When someone (no matter how famous) makes an entrance for the first time, before they even get a word out.
• After every scene/song.
• When something exceptionally funny is said or performed (laughing is an appropriate show of appreciation).
• At the end of an act (they’ll be right back after the intermission…the performance isn’t over yet!)
• When a greedy performer makes a second curtain call (or third, etc.) without performing an encore.
• At ANY non-live event (i.e. at the movies – DO NOT applaud at the beginning, middle or end of a movie – NO one is there to appreciate it and you just look stupid to the people around you!)

No one stands behind my desk and claps for me when I do something well. I don’t believe I should be expected to applaud performers for doing their jobs well. That’s what their paid for.

I would go into the topic of standing ovations, except that I think they are so rarely deserved it’s not worth mentioning, so let’s just go ahead and say don’t stand until you’re ready to leave the theatre.

What Would Jesus Do?

If the guy wearing the W.W.J.D. bracelet on the bus last night is any indication, Jesus would:

• Not shower or bathe.
• Wear his jeans below his ass Lil Wayne style.
• Try to pick up chicks on the M11 bus headed downtown.
• Tell said chicks about all the Italians who are staying at the hostel with him.
• Be a douche.

The Sandwich Guy

Anyone who lives in New York and rides the subway has inevitably run into “The Sandwich Guy” on the train.  He always makes a grand entrance and carries a large bag with him that he explains is full of food for anyone who needs it.  He claims to work for a “charity” that does not receive any government funding, so they rely solely on the donations of others.  I had a pretty awesome encounter with one of these guys on the train the other day and I must share.

So, this particular sandwich guy took his position in the center of the train and began his speech.  He rambled on and on about how he used to live on the streets and then he found some church that helped him, so now he works with them to help other homeless people.  He’s wearing a makeshift ID badge around his neck that has a very generic name and logo on it…I think it said something like “NYC Hope”.  He explains to us how unsafe the streets are these days because “thugs” go around setting homeless people on fire and beating the crap out of them.  But thanks to his organization, now you can find them sleeping safely and soundly on park benches.  Gee, thanks for making park benches safe again…sounds like we’re really on our way to solving the problem of homelessness in NYC.  He goes on to say that one of the things they do is provide food for anyone who is hungry.  He has a large nylon bag filled with “sandwiches, water and milk” and anyone who wants the food is welcome to it.  At this point, I’m thinking “Milk??”  How long has he been carrying that unrefrigerated milk around??  He ends by walking up and down the train with a can, soliciting donations.  And he always says the same thing, “God bless the ones that give.  God bless the ones that don’t.”  I suppose that’s a nice gesture.  It certainly doesn’t encourage me to give.  I think, “God bless the ones that give and the rest of you are going to hell,” might be a better approach.  But I guess his way works.

As he’s making his rounds, something I had never seen before happened.  A woman, who looked like she was going through some bad times, asked him for a sandwich.  Now, in all the times I’ve witnessed this scam, I have never seen anyone ask for food.  So, now I’m like…yeah!  Let’s see what you have in that bag.  I have to say, he looked less than thrilled that this woman asked for a sandwich.  Seriously, WTF?  That’s his whole deal…food for anyone who wants it.  He rifles through his bag for a long while and places a sandwich and an orange in a separate plastic bag.  Then asks the woman if she wants milk or water.  Choose the water…choose the water, please choose the water.  She replies with a fervent “Milk!”  Oh my god!  She picked the milk!  So, he places the milk in the bag and hands the bag full o’ food to the woman.  And then he disappeared.  Just like that. 

The woman reaches into the bag and pulls out the sandwich.  It’s a pre-packaged egg salad sandwich that that you’d buy at a 7-11 or something.  Great…egg salad and milk that’s been sitting in a warm bag for who knows how long…bon appetite!  The sandwich is completely squashed and the woman looks at it with absolute disgust.  She throws it back into the bag and pulls out her little carton of milk.  She looks at the milk and declares, “What? They ain’t got no low-fat milk?” 

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why people don’t give to charity.  There’s just no appreciation for genrosity anymore.

Who is your favorite serial killer?

I often ask people that question if I’m trying to get a read on them.  I think your response actually says a lot about you.  I am always surprised at the number of people who either have an answer right away or who take a minute to ponder it.  These are my people.  You know who are not my people?  People who get offended by this question.  I know it’s not like asking who your favorite band is or who your favorite actor is, but honestly the answers to those questions reveal very little about you.  I may learn that you prefer blondes or that you are one of those people who like Coldplay (which also tells me that you are not my people).  But I don’t learn anything about your true nature just because you like Beyonce or Zac Efron…ok, I do learn something about you if you like Zac Efron and you’re over the age of 12, but that’s a separate issue.  After I ask people who their favorite serial killer is, I immediately ask them “Why?”  And the answer to that question is what tells me a little bit about you.  I never judge.  I’m not a big fan of John Wayne Gacy, but if you say that you are, there are no judgments from me as long as you have a reason.  Your reason can be anything – “I liked his style,” or “He seemed like the kind of guy I’d hang out with, except for the killing people part.”  The only time I get upset is when people say Charles Manson, simply because he is not a serial killer.  I will accept mass murderers as answers, but not master manipulators, which is what Manson really is.

I have several favorite serial killers, but the one I always go back to is Ted Bundy.  Damn!  That guy had skills.  He seemed totally normal on the outside, but was one of the most brutal killers.  The term “serial killer” was first used in reference to Bundy.  He claimed to have killed 30 women, but it’s believed that he killed as many as 100.  Here was this good looking guy who had a degree in psychology (the preferred major of all crazy people); he was involved in politics and friends with many police officers.  He was intelligent, charismatic and well respected.  At a certain point, the police had so much information on the suspect they were chasing that they knew exactly what kind of car he drove and that his name was Ted and they never suspected their good friend Bundy.  Crazy, right??  You have to respect that.  He escaped from police custody twice.  Now that’s impressive.  I also favor Bundy because I think he was compulsive rather than insane.  I believe that he had to kill in the same way that other compulsive people have to turn the lights on and off five times or wash their hands fifty times a day.  A kind of OCD, if you will.  I’m not justifying his actions.  But I do think that incredible accomplishments, no matter what their nature, should be recognized. 

So what does this say about me?  I choose to believe that it expresses how I hold intelligence to be the most important quality that I look for in people, and I respect those that possess it.  I like cleverness.  It could also mean that I’m a misogynist.  That may be true.  The important thing to note is that I have an answer and a reason for having that answer.  That’s why I can be friends with me.

Please feel free to post a comment about who your favorite serial killer is.  I’m always fascinated by the answers I get.

Laura’s Not So Live Blog of the VMA’s

I decided not to live blog the VMA’s mostly because I Tivo’d them and my reporting wouldn’t have actually been live anyway.  But I’m going to give you a play by play of what I was thinking as I watched:

I loved Russell Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  He was the funniest part of the movie.  He’ll make a good host for the VMA’s.  The promos he did were kinda funny.  Maybe he’ll be even funnier live.

Wow…the venue looks cheap and really small. 

Ooohh…”Disturbia”…I love that song.  Rihanna’s whole album is really great.  This looks creepy and awesome and this is gonna be a cool performance.

Oh man, Rihanna is not a dynamic live performer.  She needs that uber-modulation that they do to her voice in the studio and she’s lacking energy.  I think she took some of whatever Britney took last year. 

Why is Russell Brand obsessed with the Jonas Brothers?  What did they ever do to him?  So they’re saving themselves for Jesus, who cares?  It’s a nice change of pace from the message most people (I’m talking to you, Pussycat Dolls) are sending to our youth.

Why can I see tech people all over the place??  Aren’t they supposed to be behind the scenes making the magic happen?  I don’t want to see them.  Make them go away!  Is this intentional?

Jamie Foxx doesn’t know when to read his lines and Demi Moore (whose only connection to MTV is Ashton Kutcher as far as I can tell) doesn’t have a mic.  This does not seem intentional.

Why is this woman talking over Katy Perry’s much hyped tribute to “Like A Virgin”?  I can’t hear her…all I see is her peeling that glittery banana strap down.  Wait…they totally cut to a commercial in the middle of the chorus!!  WTF, MTV?  Hopefully, this will be the only WTF moment of the evening.

Li’l Wayne is flashing gang signs.  He’s wearing a red bandana in his right back pocket, which my husband assures me is a symbol of the Bloods.  I think Li’l Wayne is a repulsive human being for many reasons, not the least of which is his physical appearance…and the fact that everyone in the music world seems to love him.  I think I’m gonna put a hit out on Li’l Wayne.  I am, after all, a supporter of the Crips.

The award for best dancing in a video…surely that will go to Chris Brown.  Of course, I do like that Madonna/Justin Timberlake video.  THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS??  WTF??  Why do people keep shoving these untalented WHORES down my throat?  And I’m not talking about whores like I say that because I hate them…I truly believe that these “women” have sex for money.  I need them to never be heard from again.  Pretty please??  I’d rather watch Li’l Wayne do an encore.

Russell Brand is still not funny.

WTF is Twilight and who are these people?

The theme of the evening is “nothing is as it seems”?  Really…there’s a theme?  No way…this was thought out in advance?  Someone designed this?  And someone’s actually directing it?  Unreal.

A shameless plug for Rockband 2.  Ugh.

Uh oh…I think I just saw Pink’s nipple.  Let me rewind…nope.  Damn.  A near wardrobe malfunction.

Aha!  I did see it that time…it’s all silver and shiny and rectangular.  Oh wait, Ethan says that’s just tape covering her nipple.  Damn again.

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL…Li’l Wayne actually won…some award…Hip Hop maybe?  Against all those people who I assume are better than he is?  I would like to thank him for keeping his thank yous brief though.  Ok, I’m cancelling the hit.  He can live.

Rihanna again…and she’s singing that Swedish song that dude on You Tube made famous.  Weird…but kind of awesome.

She keeps holding her jacket together.  Another near wardrobe malfunction.

Who the hell is Tokio Hotel and why does their lead singer look like a lion?  She is pretty though.

YAY!  Britney won her third Moonman!  She deserves it.  Who doesn’t love Britney for one reason or another?

Kanye West’s performance is the best of the night.  Wait…doesn’t he hate MTV?  I’m glad he doesn’t hold a grudge.

In summation, the evening was a clusterfuck.  It looked cheap and there were no truly memorable moments that people will be talking about.  Russell Brand was relentless in his taunting of the Jonas Brothers and as much as I don’t think children should be allowed into the VMA’s, it was a little unfair.  When did the VMA’s become Disneyfied anyway?  The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus AND High School Musical??  Seriously??  That shit has a time and a place, certainly…and it is NOT at the VMA’s.  I do think they did a decent job of utilizing the Paramount backlot – man, they should do Halloween Horror Nights there…screw Universal…this place is way better – but, it still looked very haphazard.  The pre-show was good.  Tivo cut off the post show (I’m sure the party was AWESOME and the highlight of most people’s evening).    The VMA’s definitely need a shakeup.  For a network that rarely plays videos anymore, it’s kind of a joke to award them.  We all know that we are awarding the songs and not the videos anyway and that the whole show is a popularity contest.  But this was the 25^th anniversary and they did NOTHING to celebrate that.  No throwback to the 80’s, no mention of who won these awards 25 years ago…maybe because most of those people are selling real estate now.  I don’t know.  MTV, I know you want to believe that you’re still relevent.  You’re not.  Try harder.

I promise I will live blog the Scream Awards if anyone’s interested.  Spike knows how to put on a show!  Bring on the half naked ladies!

Our Love Rides the Short Bus

 

Last night, as I lay in bed, I was overcome with the urge to sing “One” from A Chorus Line, except I substituted as many words as I could with “boob”.  For example:

 

One boobular sensation, every little boob she takes
One thrilling boobination , every boob that she makes
One boob and suddenly nobody else will boob
You know you’ll never be lonely with boob-know-boob

 

It’s completely ridiculous and I don’t know why it popped into my head, but it did and I thought it was funny, so I started to sing.  The remarkable thing about this event is that about halfway through the first verse, my husband started to sing along with me.

 

That’s how I know our relationship is special.

 

Seriously, how many other guys would a) know the lyrics to “One” and b) humor their wives by inserting the word boob and singing along?  Most people probably would have told me to shut up so they could go to sleep. 

 

It got me to wondering if other people do such ridiculous things when they think no one is watching.  The answer is that of course they do!  I have walked in on Ethan practicing karate moves when he thought he was alone (he doesn’t know karate).  I dance around the living room like an idiot when no one is home, all the while imagining that I am the most awesome dancer/singer/actress/writer/comedian/accountant that ever graced our living room stage.  Well, truthfully, I am.

 

We live in a very voyeuristic society.  We have technology that allows us to transmit exactly where we are and what we are doing to anyone every second of the day.  We have blogs and webcams and social networking sites and cell phones with cameras and god knows what I’m forgetting…all to let us share the moments of our lives with the world at the exact moments we live them.  And I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that.  As Ethan pointed out, had this technology existed a hundred years ago, people would have been doing the same thing then.  We are voyeurs because it is in our nature.

 

And that is precisely why I’m always gonna make sure the blinds are shut before I take the stage in my living room.

 

End scene.